Is loneliness your problem?

In case loneliness is your problem, do not worry, for you are in good company. Plenty of 21^st century people are lonely at one time of their life or the other and sometimes forever! Yes, it feels for ever too.

One can be lonely in the midst of people also. You are in a crowded railway station or bus stop or even airport, but still you are just an unknown face in the midst of sea of faces or an insignificant speck in the crowd. People could end up lonely because of various circumstances. It could be divorce or death of the spouse or because one remained unmarried due one’s own choice or due to various reasons. 

Temporary loneliness could stare at people when they move to a new town or city or when students leave home to study abroad, or start school or college at a new place. But I am more concerned about permanent loneliness, which many people face.

The modern Western culture encourages people to be individualistic, self-dependent and self-sufficient. This increasingly makes people self-centered and selfish, creating barriers to meaningful relationships. People feel alienated.

Some people are lonely because they are made that way. They could be introvert, inward-looking people, with personality types like choleric or melancholic. They just can’t help it, for they are not the people-persons. They like to be left alone. It is better to find out your personality type, so that you are able to accept your nature and not feel guilty or depressed about it.  

The deep longing in the human heart to be with someone, to share with someone or even to talk to, is not satisfied when we are alone and we naturally long for such a relationship. After all God created Adam and Eve to keep each other company so that they are not alone in life. That is the ideal situation. 

“Man is by nature a social animal,” said Aristotle the ancient philosopher. We were created for relationship. When we do not get it we feel deprived and lonely and purposeless in life. Sometimes life becomes unbearable that people go and commit suicide.

In practical terms what can be done to combat such loneliness? First thing to do is to face such loneliness squarely in its face. One needs to accept the fact that one is lonely. May be it was due to a person’s decision, to go in for a divorce, or not get married after that, and to remain a bachelor or a single person. Whether it is due to our own decision or due to circumstances forcing such a status on us, we need to accept the fact that one is lonely and face it boldly.

Important thing is not to feel self-pity or ruminate as why this has happened to you or feel inferior to anyone. Remember Mr. Beans? He is always alone and he seems to enjoy it! He never feels sorry for himself, but of course he is out right selfish, taking care of his comforts and needs only. Still, I would say that he is a good model, not to emulate, but to keep at the back of your mind, because it is all in the mind after all.

Once you accept the reality that you are going to be alone, or the fact that you are alone, by choice or by force of circumstances, the next step is to see what you can do about it. The first rule here is to ‘keep busy.’ Take interest in lot of activities – brush up your hobbies, if you did not have any, develop some.

I have made it a point to keep myself actively involved at least in five different activities at any time in my life. Presently it is painting, swimming, reading, writing and bird-watching. Earlier it was some other similar five interests. That can keep you occupied so much that you wonder 24 hours of a day are not sufficient to do all that you want to do in your life. 

Advantages of keeping yourself busy are many. You can develop yourself; improve your qualifications, major in some subjects dear to your heart; you can end up being an all rounder, developing intellectual, mental, spiritual, physical and volitional aspects of your life, so that you would become an integrated personality. You end up as an ‘achiever’ achieving many things which the married or otherwise engaged peers of yours are not able to achieve.

The second rule is to ‘look beyond you.’ By this I mean, instead of thinking about yourself all the time, start thinking of other people who may be in need. The world around us is hurting in many ways. One more pair of hands to help will always be welcome. Engage in activities that help suffering people in any way to put a smile on their face, which will uplift your own spirits and make you feel useful. That will give you a purpose in life, something noble to do.

Third rule is to ‘cherish relationships.’ It could be any relationship, with a close friend, or your children or your siblings or nephews and nieces or aunts and uncles and so on. It could be a women’s group or men’s group with similar interests. We are made for relationship and we need each other. The bigger net work you have the better, for when you stumble, you will be caught safely in the web of relationships you have built around and you will be able to break the fall.

Lastly, you need to have an anchor in your life. It was Blaise Pascal who famously said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the hearts of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.” Having faith in God and accepting our need for such an anchor will remove loneliness from our existence, give us the emotional security, which we vainly look for in human beings. It is He alone who can give us that security and stability. The inner strength one gets from such faith and belief in God is enormous. With that one can face the world without any problem, alone or otherwise.

St. Augustine of Hippo said “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in Thee.” Only in God shall we find rest for our souls and the ‘peace that passeth understanding.” Once we establish relationship with Him through Christ, worldly life also becomes heavenly and we have supreme joy and happiness which no one or no circumstances can take away.

Psalmist says thus in Psalm 18:1, 2,

“I will love You, O Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;

My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;

My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

In a short revelation to Joshua, who after the death of Moses, was to lead Israel into the Promised Land, God encourages him thus in Joshua 1:9,

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

That was a great encouragement to a young leader, who had just been given the responsibility of leading the people in war and settlement.

Jesus, before He was taken in to heaven said the following to His disciples, in Matthew 28:20,

“… and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

What an assurance and what a comfort! That anchor gives you courage to face life whether you are alone or otherwise. No more loneliness, for in addition to emotional security, Christ gives you a purpose in your life, showing you and leading you to what He really wants you to do. Will of God for us at any time is better than what we plan on our own to do, as long as we submit to His Will and obey His commandments.

Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you. He will always be with you to the very end of your days. You will never feel lonely or isolated. He will be your friend for ever.