Live-in Partnership in India: What do we make out of it?

It all started with the announcement of my young friend, who was my junior colleague at one point of my Service, that she is the proud mother of a boy child. I was taken by surprise and asked her when did she get married, for I didn’t even know that. She cheerfully answered she is not married but is living with her partner.

Not only that I felt shell-shocked but also felt bad for that youngster that she should settle for such a relationship. She was such an energetic, lively and upcoming youngster, when I met her and had a lot of promise in her. She was smart and beautiful too. Why would she do a thing like this? I couldn’t accept that. Her mother had not been able to accept it, though her father has been a great support, she said; so also her partner’s mother. I promised to go and see her and the child and also meet her partner.

I made that memorable visit on last Wednesday. The child of one and half months is pretty and is sure will grow into a handsome young lad in due course. Aunty, the partner’s mother was there lovingly taking care of her grandchild. My young friend was bubbly and happy and welcomed me into her hearth and heart. Her partner was at work. It all went on lovely.

Then came a time when we were alone; a time to ask questions and clarify my doubts. Why did she do this? Now that they have a child together, why not marry and settle down? She made it quite clear that she is not willing to do that, because things are going great just like this only. Why spoil it all by marriage?

What is her objection to marriage? Expectations change, she said. I have heard about that line of argument earlier. Yes, especially men, they are no longer required to be on their toes to satisfy the woman with her whims and fancies, but once married, they become confident and complacent and negligent too. But she was vehement to say it applies to the woman too.

By way of explanations she said, for example, she does not wait for her husband to come home so they could have meal together. They eat whenever it is convenient to each of them. May be what she really means is she is free from the obligations of a marriage and is without any responsibilities of a wife. But to get that freedom at present is she willing to trade off a life-long commitment and companionship? She seems to do so.

Of course, all these living-in relationship started with the West. There they do that to see if the partners have compatibility by living together for a few years before getting married. Marriage is always in mind, but it is postponed to see if they can pull it off and also to stabilize financially before plunging into married life.

The famous example being Angelina Jodie and Brad Pitt, the mega movie stars of Hollywood. They lived together for almost 7 years, had children of their own and adopted children and got engaged in 2012. Only in 2014, August they got married. May be she really wanted to test and see if Brad will be faithful to her and her little brood of children, before tying the knot. And it took her almost nine years!  

May be my friend also will settle down once she is convinced of the loyalty and fidelity of her partner. But who knows?   

In India this trend of living together without marriage is seen only in the major metropolitan cities like Mumbai, Bangalore and may be New Delhi and Chennai too. In the rural areas and suburban areas it is unheard of. Society does not approve of it and it is a taboo even today. Even in a metro like Mumbai, getting a rental accommodation for live-in couples is hard to come by. Then they tell lies that they are married, just to get a flat or house on rent.

Is it the fear of divorce or separation that drives women to accept such a relationship? Once bitten twice shy, they say; possible. It is again people with more education, open mindedness and women who are financially independent, who enter into such arrangements. May be they think they can afford to take a chance and experiment with their lives in this manner.

On the flip side, such arrangements, lack commitment to see one through the tough and tumble of life. Children require stability and emotional security. Why only children, the woman herself requires emotional security of a marriage; so also the man.  This live-in arrangement can dissolve at any time with no pang or remorse. One can come to have a callous heart. Can love to be found, in a family not bound securely in marriage?

That marriages are breaking is no excuse to live-in experiments. What we need to do is to see how we can stabilize marriages, starting with the selection and then the adjustments and the effort needed to make the marriage work. It is a difficult and life-long process, but worth the effort for all concerned.

God created man and woman and the institution of marriage for them to find emotional security and companionship in each other and also to bring up the children in a stable and loving environment, with both the parents playing complementary roles in nurturing them.

According to Bible, living together without marriage is sin, tantamount to adultery. As someone commented in America the divorce rate may be high, but marriage rates are also equally high. Marriage has not lost its attraction or its utility.

One might get out of a difficult marriage for a good reason, but the next time on, either be careful in selection and marry wisely or stay alone. This staying together without marriage is definitely not the solution to problems of fidelity or fear of a marriage ending in divorce or wanting to be free and live for the present. The moral boundaries of life laid down by God cannot be broken without suffering the consequences of such a choice.

Will the young people of 21^st century listen to such voices?