What is this Low Self-Esteem and how do you heal it?

This is a pertinent question. As I complete my theoretical class room training in Counseling, this question daunts me. As a person who has battled with low self-esteem for a long time, and having come out it with lot of love from the Lord, still I wouldn’t say that I am completely out of it.

So what is this low self-esteem? How does it come about? How does it affect a person’s personality? What are its effects on a person’s life? How do you overcome it? How do you keep it at bay for the rest of your life? These are questions that baffle any one, and I would try to pry into each of this in this blog.

David A. Seamands, in his book “Healing for Damaged Emotions,” calls low self-esteem as Satan’s deadliest weapon. It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth. You stand so low in your own estimate that you feel you are not lovable, even when you are not an ugly duckling; you are not capable of any achievement, even when you bring home a Gold medal for standing first in the class; you feel a numb pain knowing that you are not appreciated and you put down yourself all the while, in spite of your achievements. That is low self-esteem, if you would like!

How does it come about? No child is born with low self-esteem. It is given; it is learnt in the process of life. From the birth to the age of five, the child’s mind is so fresh and clean and so impressionable, that it absorbs everything that is said to it like a blotting paper. How the child is treated in its early years is of utmost important. The child could sense any trace of rejection in the love of the mother or the father. It will leave a deep impression in the child’s personality.

As the child grows into a boy or a girl, the treatment and love he or she receives from the parents, siblings and those around him/her during these growing years would leave an indelible mark on the child.

A father may extend conditional love to his son or daughter, that if he/she brings a good report card alone, love of the father is received. There is always the fear that he/she may not be able to satisfy the father and receive his love. Children try harder and harder to please their parents and their demands just to feel accepted and receive that security of love.

A mother may reject her daughter, may be because she was dark in color, or may be because she never wanted a girl child, for her preference was for a male child. Or even if the mother has no such preferences, but the family into which the girl child is born entertains such preferences, then also insecurity and rejection sets in leading to a chain of reactions. The girl feels, ‘I am not worthy, I am ugly, and I am not what I should have been.’

Comparing the performance of a boy in the school to his other siblings or cousins or friends to spur him to study better will only back fire. It will leave him with an impression that ‘I am no good, my parents prefer and appreciate others, but not me. I am not up to the mark.’ These trigger low self esteem that lasts for a life time.

Low self-esteem can paralyze a person’s potential. They are not able to achieve due to self-doubt which hinders them. They put blocks in their own progress, immobilized by fear and a feeling of inadequacy. They do not venture out of the box, fearing failure, for the word of their mothers that they are up to nothing rings in the back of their minds. They do not realize their full potential.

It could destroy the dreams of a person. When the vision one has of oneself is of inferiority and low estimate of self, no big dream can be achieved. One settles down for an average, safe, mundane life.

It can spoil ones relationship with others. A person with low self-esteem would doubt every relationship, for they are afraid that the other person will reject them; or cling to the others and get rejected into a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you have not received you cannot give. It isolates you. One would become, suspicious and hostile or cringing and clinging. It incapacitates a person.

If it is so horrible why do parents treat their children in this manner? Why don’t they accept the children as they are with all their faults and gifts and talents? Mainly because parents do not realize the harm they are doing to their children. They thing they are scolding them, comparing them to the others, for their own good, little realizing that this will leave the children wounded for life. It is personalized in their children’s lives. Parents have to learn and change. Parenting is not a cake walk.

How does a person so damaged in his/her self esteem, recover and realize the potential for which God has created him/her?

First thing to do is to realize that you are not born as a person with low self esteem and that one becomes so because of the treatment meted out at home. What is learnt can always be unlearned. Once you realize the source of the malady, it is easy to eradicate it.

Along with it what one has to do is to forgive those who damaged you that way. Forgiveness is important, to let go of it and to have an anger free life. Or else the anger and resentment will eat you up. Also it is good to realize that in most cases, parents in their ignorance did this and not deliberately. And it is not going to be possible to change them or the situation one is born into. Jesus said forgive your enemies, pray for them.

Secondly, we need to understand that God, who created us in His image, loves us so much that He sent His only Son Jesus Christ, to go to the cross for us. That great love and that great sacrifice, Jesus did it for you individually. He loved you that much that He went to the cross for you. Can you appreciate that love? You are the most cherished person on this earth in the eyes of God. Draw your emotional security and self esteem from His love.

Thirdly let go of the past. Let it not become a stumbling block for your future. Why carry the burden unnecessarily, especially when we cannot do anything to undo the past? Forgive and forget and forge ahead. Learn to leave these burdens on to the Lord, who said, “Come unto me I shall give you rest.” Cast your burdens on Him and you go free, free as a fiddle.

Lastly ‘love yourself,’ not in a narcissistic manner, but in a healthy manner. Jesus said ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ The command was not to hate yourself and love the neighbor, but to love him as you love yourself. True humility is not downgrading yourself all the time, but thanking the Lord for the gifts He has endowed you with and accepting the appreciation of others, when it is genuine. 

Take care of yourself, eat well, eat right, exercise, take care of your body, groom yourself, read, work hard, not to satisfy your boss, but work as if to the Lord. Develop your interests, your hobbies, engage yourself, and fly high. Hold yourself straight, chin up, for the Lord God is with you and you can do all things in Christ who strengthens you, including getting over the low self-esteem.