Biblical standards for marriage are crystal clear. One man
for one woman and they are to leave their respective parents and cleave unto
each other for life. Divorce is permitted only for reason of adultery and in
such a case remarriage is approved for the innocent party, who was wronged. On
death of one of the spouses also the other person can remarry.
Can we apply these norms to the present day generation, especially
in India? How relevant are the first century norms for us? This I will detail
in this blog.
In India the scene is very muddled. Things are changing so
fast that time-honored traditions and values are not the norm any more.
One thing remains common through the ages is the interference
from parents. Earlier it was the parents of the boys, who demanded, commanded
and enslaved the brides, because they had educated their sons, who are employed
now and so they had a say in everything the sons did or have or possess,
including his wife. Dowry was demanded and received for this contract of looking
after the bride for life!
Property always went to the boys for they would take care of
the parents in their old age, a social security for them. Girls were married off,
with or without dowry, and she became the responsibility to be nourished or
killed in the husband’s house by her in-laws. Fast forward to 21st
century, and the scenario had changed!
Girls are earning now, that too well, due to education and employment
opportunities. Parents now prize girls, because they are definitely more
attached to parents and look after them well, being financially independent.
The old cultural taboo of not staying in the girl’s house has vanished. Parents
are increasingly staying with their daughters, interfere, and sometimes even separate
the girls from their husbands and sit and enjoy.
Parents have to first learn that joint family system in the
olden form or the new form will not work and is not healthy. Their daughters/sons
once they marry are to establish their own homes and should be left on their
own to make their little families. Age old wisdom of the Bible when God created
Adam and Eve will apply very well in this field, even today.
The major problem now is the independent and self-supporting
girls of this generation are walking out of their husbands within 10 days or one
month of marriage! That is the other extreme. What would they know about the boy
they married with in that short period? Have they even tried to live with him,
understand him and adjust? Not really! Not to be unsaid, parents of these girls
welcome them back with open hands.
May be girls have progressed much and boys are still left in
the old culture, where they were the only earning member and had their wives
fussing over them and take care of their comforts. Now, even when the wife goes
out and earns equally or more, working as hard as he does, the house hold
chores are yet to be done by the wife. That places a great burden on the women
and naturally she rebels.
Men have to change. They have changed all over the world and
this change is coming slowly to India as well. Mothers cannot see their sons
helping their wives in the kitchen! That is not manly! That has to change and
men have to equally take responsibilities of house hold chores, including that
of looking after the kids, if things have to go smoothly in their lives. And
parents, hands off!
Eve was created as a ‘companion comparable,’ and not as a door
mat or household help. Our boys have to realize this and the parents have to
teach their sons to share household chores even when they are young and growing
up. Girls and boys have to be brought up equally without any discrimination.
Coming to divorce, what about women who are suffering under
abusive husbands? Drunken husbands, who physically abuse wives; how about
desertions? Or when a man goes and establishes a ‘chinna veedu?’ (This is in Tamil and literally means setting up his concubine or second wife in another house).
I have always wondered what makes a woman to agree to be such
‘chinna veedu.’ They put themselves under such a demeaning relationship,
because there are no other men in the world or are they so desperate to find a
man? In my view it is much better to stay alone and face the world than have
such a ‘set up.’
Well, in all these cases a wife has absolute right to seek
justice. She could bring this issue calmly with the husband and if he refuses
to repent and come back, go to the elders in the community or church and bring
up the issue. The elders, whoever might be in such a case, must take responsibility
and call the man or the woman as the case may be (for there are abusive wives
also!) and admonish him/her and advice them appropriately.
In case this also is of no use, counseling with qualified
persons can be had for some time, prayerfully, to make the other person get
some sense. In spite of these interventions if the offending party does not
correct his/her behavior, I would say that the aggrieved party is well within
rights to seek separation. May be only separation and not straight away
divorce. After waiting at least for a year, I would say, one can move the
papers for divorce.
A man has to realize that he has to love his wife and seek
her happiness first; so also the wife. Expecting his/her own happiness in
marriage and trying to change the other person to his/her liking will destroy
happiness. Paul says a husband has to love his wife as his own body and lay
down his life for her just as Christ laid down his life for His church. Ephesians
5:25, 28.
When men behave that way, women will have no problem letting
him be the real ‘man in the house who wears the pants,’ and be the leader in
the household. It is only when men do not take such responsibilities, but assert
their authority within the household, problems erupt.
I find that biblical norms and standards can still be applied
to the 21st century families, for men and women everywhere are
basically the same, whatever may be the century and respond well to love. And love is the foundation in a marriage.
Note:
I am out on training in Counseling from 12th to 19th
of this month. This is my last module of training, being trained by “Person to
Person Institute” at Hyderabad, India. After that I will be a full-fledged counselor!
Praise God for that.
So I will not be posting my blogs on next and next to next
Monday, but will meet up with you all on 27th June.
Good bye till then and God keep you all blessed.
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