Boundaries? Am I a landed property that I need to put a fence around it and safeguarded it? May be, maybe not. What
are these boundaries? In what way are they necessary to us and also useful to
us? How does it affect us in case we don’t have any? These are the questions I
will be looking at in this blog.
Just as a physical property, a piece
of land or a building needs to be fenced by physical boundaries so as to claim
one’s ownership over that, in real life of dealing with people, each one of us
need to draw a boundary around our ‘self,’ beyond which we wouldn’t like to be
pushed by others. It is our boundary, and we need to safe guard it from anybody
else trespassing into it. Such a boundary would define ‘me.’
A boundary will define a person’s
responsibility and indicates where it begins and ends. So also with the others.
Others will have their own boundaries and we are not to trespass it. We need to
allow everyone to have their own space and responsibilities. But of course boundaries
have gates, which could be opened when we would like to allow others to come in
and shut when we don’t want to. Not having a boundary would mean we are letting
any and every body to step on our personality and make a mess of our lives.
Many times we feel that we have to
comply with a request of a friend or a neighbor, just out of fear that if we don’t
oblige, the friend may leave. So we give in reluctantly under compulsion or
pressure and feel inside cheated and made use of. This naturally leads to
resentment and anger within.
We do not want to offend a person, so
we keep quiet and do not contradict that person’s statement, even if it is
wrong or offending. Many a times, we say ‘yes’ when in our hearts we want to
say ‘no,’ and get into unnecessary problems. These are all boundary-less
behaviors.
In relationships, especially between
parents and children, and between spouses or friends, people put up with
abusive situations, again and again, because of their inability to draw proper
boundaries around them and not let the other cross it to offend them. They let
themselves open to manipulations by the others, and even oppression.
Our minds, thoughts, talents,
decisions are all ours. We need to exercise ownership over them and function
with responsibility. We need to be in control or in charge of them. When we
give the control to another person, could be a parent, or a friend to decide
things for us, then we have handed over our life to the other person and we
become a slave of that person, whoever exercises control over us. We need to
take responsibility to our lives.
A person without boundaries will let
another person walk all over them and then resent it. Such a person doesn’t seem
to have any tastes or preferences of his/her own. While going to a restraint,
such a person will settle for whatever the others want to eat, or while going
to a movie, agree to see any movie the friends want to go, just to get along! Sounds
familiar? These are all boundary-less behaviors.
The root cause of these may be a fear
of hurting the other person’s feelings, fear of abandonment and separateness,
wanting to be totally dependent on another, a lazy way out, not exercising one’s
options, etc.
These would have been formed early in
life, when as a small child, it tries to please the mother or the father or any
primary care-giver. When the child gets the lesson, ‘when I am good I am loved;
when I am bad I am cut off,’ then the child grows up fearing such emotional blackmail.
When parents provide a consistent, warm and loving
emotional environment to their children while young, the children learn to
speak their minds. When children are ‘brain-washed’ to fit the child in the mold
that parents want them to be, then the children’s boundaries are messed up and
they suffer in adulthood.
When the mother sulks or withdraws
her love in response to disobedience from the child, the child learns not to
offend the mother in that way and learns to acquiesce. On the contrary there
are people who control others. They could be aggressive and run over other people’s
fences. Or they could be manipulative and persuade other people to step out of
their boundaries and comply with their wishes. In either way the controller is
trying to get what he/she wants or make the other person to carry their burden.
Surprisingly the compliant person,
who is so soft and good and not able to say ‘no’ to another, usually attracts a
controller, who would take optimal advantage of this sort of goody, goody behavior
to push his/her agenda! It is like a choleric personality attracting phlegmatic
personality! They fit in like a zig-zag puzzle! The choleric person is all
organized and willing to help out and the phlegmatic is all admiration for the orderly
life of the choleric and takes in the help gladly. But does it work in the long
run? Unfortunately, no.
The autonomy and the individuality of
a person must be allowed to be expressed as a child so that it can grow into a
healthy adult. In India, unfortunately the interests of an individual are
sacrificed at the altar of family and community and particularly the caste. Children
live for their parents and parents live for their caste and community. It is counted
as the duty of the child. Most of the children, brought up in this manner,
knowingly or unknowingly live in the mediocre rut of raising a family, looking
after the parents and relatives, with no escape or no higher goal in life. Achievements
of an individual are not valued, but family traditions are.
Isn’t it the duty of the parents to
educate their children and provide for their clothing and food according to
their ability? Should the child be held responsible to do what the parents want
him/her to do as a return to this love that parents showered on them when they
were young and dependent on their parents? A love that seeks a return in this
manner, is that a true love? Isn’t it like
seeking a return on a business investment? Simply a business transaction?
People need to be free to pursue
their lives, their dreams, their goals. Be free and be liberated and achieve
what they can, according to their inborn God-given abilities. They must learn
to tell ‘no’ and set limits to how far they will allow others to come into their
lives. We need to respect our own boundaries and learn to respect others’ boundaries
too.
The Scripture says, ‘love your neighbor
as thyself,’ and not ‘love thy neighbor above thyself.’ Love of self is
healthy and not to be confused with self-love which is selfish and concentrated
on self alone. When we have a healthy love for ourselves, we will keep our
boundaries intact and protect them from abuse and manipulation by others. We
will also respect others’ boundaries.[1]
Post Script:
Dear Friends, I am going underground
for two months! I might occasionally resurface and write a blog or two. So do
bear with me. From October onward I will be regularly writing, every Monday, as
usual.
All the very best till we meet again.
God bless you and keep you.
Shanthi.
[1]
For more information, please read “Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no,
to take control of your life,” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan,
1992.
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