Perfectionism: Is it a malady?

Can we call the desire to be perfect a malady? Hasn’t Jesus Christ himself asked us to be perfect as His Father in heaven is perfect? “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48. What type of perfectionism did he mean? Is there a difference between Christian perfection and perfectionism?

The context in which Jesus asked his disciples to be perfect was God’s impartial love. Jesus was exhorting people to love not just their friends but also their enemies, those who hurt and persecute, and pray for them. Doesn’t God show kindness and love to all without any partiality, in that He allows rain to fall on the good and the bad?

Jesus is asking us to emulate God and love everyone. Of course we as human beings could never be perfect on this side of the heaven. We can only strive towards it and with a lot of grace from God, we may even come close to it.

If this is Christian perfection, then what is this perfectionism that is treated as a malady in terms of psychology?

A perfectionist is one who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. Psychology treats perfectionism as a personality trait, where a person is striving to be flawless and setting excessively high performance standards for himself/herself. They are highly critical of themselves and their achievements.

In a positive form it is good as it leads to great achievements, but in maladaptive form, it becomes neurotic and drives people to set unattainable goals, and then when they cannot achieve it, they fall into depression. They measure their self-worth by their productivity and accomplishments.

This sort of perfectionism becomes a counterfeit for Christian perfection, according to Seamands, who deals with this subject in his book, “Healing for Damaged Emotions.”

So what are the symptoms of this malady?

First is the tyranny of the ‘oughts,’ the insistent feeling that “I ought to have done better.” “I could have done better.” Secondly showing self-depreciation, which emerges from a low self-esteem. One feels never quite satisfied with oneself and ones’ achievements. It is never adequate to satisfy your demanding father or mother or God, for that matter!

Thirdly these lead to anxiety, of not having achieved, not pleased or not measured up to the standards set for oneself. Such a person is always under a cloud of heaviness of underachievement and guilt over it, leading to self-condemnation.

Fourth, such a person is very sensitive to what others might think of him/her. Since he is not able to accept himself or feel acceptance from God, he needs constant approval from other people, be it parents or friends or even acquaintances. They try even harder to please others! They can be greatly swayed by other’s opinions.

Next, from deep within they develop anger, a resentment against the struggles they have to go through to achieve this perfection, against the people who in their imagination demand such perfectionism and even against God, who looks like a demanding heavenly Father, a God who is never satisfied!

When the strain becomes too heavy the person just breaks down, mentally and emotionally.

The root causes mainly are the earthly parents and the early childhood experiences. When parents drive their children to achieve greater and greater grades, and never show appreciation of the marks/grades obtained, but keep saying, ‘if you had worked a bit more, you could have done better,’ this rings in the ears not just their childhood but all through their lives.  

Unpleasant parents and conditional love go to produce unreachable goals and unattainable standards against which they struggle throughout their lives. Children who are not treated well and appreciated become docile, eager to please and often ‘doormats’ in their adult life.

The main message such parents pass on to the child is, ‘I am not accepted as I am,’ and that ‘I have to try very hard to get approval.’ This becomes a pattern. The child develops deep anxiety, feeling of insecurity, unworthiness and undesirableness. Even the differential treatment of a girl child, who is treated as if she is inferior to the boys, could end up leading her to prove her superiority by being a perfectionist.  

What then is the remedy?

We need renewal of mind by the special healing power of the Holy Spirit. God has not given us conditional love, but showered on us unmerited grace and unconditional love. In His eyes we are already righteous, having adorned us with the righteousness of His son, which we receive through faith in Jesus Christ.

We do not really have to strive hard to prove ourselves to Him. He knows our mold, He knows we are clay, fragile and fallen. Our parents and us, we are all fallen and go through this world with baggage of our own. So He took our frailties on the cross and paid the price with His life, so that we can go scot free. We don’t have to do anything, except to believe in Him and accept what He did on the cross for us.

He is our Wounded Healer, as Seamans beautifully puts it across. He is able to heal us, restore us and even make something beautiful out of us. Let’s trust in him and surrender ourselves to Him, forgiving whoever caused such harm to us, whether in childhood or as adults, so we can become channels of blessings to others who are suffering, whom God can minister through us.

We can comfort others with the comfort with which we ourselves were comforted by God,

“who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Cor.1:4