How Good is Your Self-worth?

Self-worth of a person is variously known as self-esteem, self-respect or even self-pride. It is basically what we think about ourselves, how we rate ourselves, positively or negatively.

We start to have our self-worth very early in life, as a small child, a toddler, when one is totally under the control, care and protection of the parents or elders, who surround the small world of the child. How a child shapes depends on how much love and care the adults give them, when the child is so impressionable and young.

The babies are born with a mind which is clean as a new slate. Nothing has been written there yet. It is the parents or whoever takes care of the baby, who starts writing on this pure and fresh slate, the mind of the child.

The child can sense and make out from just the way she or he is held by the mother or the caregiver, whether she or he is loved or not. Tactile functions of the baby are very strong during these days. The baby can sense rejection or love very early in life. Baby’s self-worth or self-esteem starts to take shape.

When the baby is cuddled often, loved, kissed, fed and cleaned properly, the baby knows she is loved and cared for and blossoms into a healthy child. As a child grows, parents and elders who matter, either reject the child for various reasons or accept the child for what she is and love her in spite of any faults and defects.

Unconditional love is more important as the child grows. It’s worth enhances as the mother or father accept the child for what she or he is without criticizing or overtly praising her or him. As the child grows this becomes very important.

Due to competition in admissions to good schools and good colleges, parental pressure starts when the child is admitted into kindergarten even. Then comparison starts. “Why can’t you be as smart as the neighbours’ son? Why can’t you work hard like your cousins and get good marks? Why didn’t I get a fair child? Why is my child so dull in studies? And so on and so forth.

The damage these remarks does to the little boy or girl is enormous. May be, parents are indulging in such behaviour, only to push the child or motivated the child to work a bit more harder and do well in the school or college, so that the child’s future is assured, financially, by getting a good job.

This is a commendable goal alright, but needs to be done without comparison with other children and without forcing it on a child who is not inclined academically. Every child comes into the world equipped and endowed with some talents and gifts peculiar to that child. A fish cannot be asked to climb a tree; only a monkey is created for such a feat and climbs a tree effortlessly.

Parents need to observe their children to find out in what the child is good at, either academics or mechanical efforts or art, and then channel the child through that stream so that the child will shine in that field, which is so close to its heart.

Self-esteem of a person could be damaged by the early childhood memories of treatments meted out to the child while young. Repeated put-downs and constant criticisms will make the boy or girl unsure of themselves. They will start doubting their ability and capacity, because they are not able to please their parents by whatever they do.

While young, the children try their level-best to please their parents and a word of appreciation of their effort will go a long way to build up their self-esteem. You either build up your child or mar the child for life.

The second most important thing in one’s life, which bolsters or damages self-esteem is the experiences that life throws at one’s path. When repeated tragedies or bad things happen in one’s life, it makes a person scared of life and self-confidence of that person goes for a sixer.

In a case where a mother loses her first child in infancy, then goes through separation and divorce and then is bed-ridden due to an accident and later a debilitating disease, is sure to develop loss of confidence and a damaged self-esteem. That person will be so scared of life that negative emotions start to pile up, asking ‘what next?’

Negative emotions and thinking attract negative events. So it piles up. Job of the Bible, when he lost his children, property and all that he had, exclaims, “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.” Job 3:25. What one fears and keeps thinking of, happens, because by thinking thus, he or she has attracted the very thing that they wanted to avoid.

The constant doubt in such a person’s mind would be, ‘Will I be able to accomplish that task which I desire?’ The fear of that person would be, ‘What if something horrible happens if I do manage to accomplish it or before I accomplish it?’ This is again a seed sown when one is very young – ‘the evil eye.’ So, he or she would tend to ask, ‘What if the gods are angry at my progress?

Most importantly, ‘what if my friends and relatives feel jealous over my achievements?’ As if in an effort to ward off the evil eye, or the fear of not accomplishing what one wants to, that person will not try his best in accomplishing that task. They would deliberately, subconsciously of course, not do their best to accomplish the task. Their failure reinforces their philosophy in life.

What is the remedy? How do we overcome these? How to repair a damaged self-esteem? This is not easy, it is very difficult to repair such a damage with human strength and effort, though many such people have overcome the damages of childhood to climb up the social ladder or do very well in what they had wanted to do in their lives. But generally, it is difficult to do it on your own.

In such a situation, God could help, because God, our Creator, knows our weaknesses and strength and accepts us unconditionally. Christ went to the cross when we were still sinners. That is love, unconditional acceptance. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrated His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

When we accept that love, unselfish and unconditional love, our self-image of ourselves improves tremendously. Damage done to self-esteem gets repaired by such a love. As one realises that he or she is the child of God, beloved of God, for whom He gave His very life, healing starts to happen.

That is the only sure way to restore a holistic self-worth, and repair the damages to self-worth, suffered in childhood or later because of life experiences. “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him,”, says Paul in Romans 8:28.

Yes, in spite of all the wrong things that could have happened in our lives, God is able to bring out something beautiful, if only we love Him, trust Him and entrust our lives to Him.

Will you do so, entrust yourself to Jesus and be His child for eternity?