Divorce, is it the ultimate?

Last 2-3 blogs I have been building up from the development of the middle class in India, and how people belonging to the lower middle class invest in children and climb through the ladder to the higher status, but also ruin the marriage life of their children in their selfishness to control and enjoy the fruits of their labor. Not all parents would be like this, but many are. It is almost as if all these so called parental love and sacrifice are finally only economics, based on money.

In this blog I want to analyze and see why in India many marriages end in divorce; what could be the reasons and what can be done to rectify the situation.

Even though divorce rate is growing up at an alarming rate in India, it is still very low compared to the Western or developed countries. As against 500 divorces per 1000 marriages in America, it is only 13 per 1000 in India. However it is growing by leaps and bounds in the metropolitan cities in India, especially among young people working in Information Technology (IT) sector.

Various reasons are attributed for this breakage in marriages in India. As it is most of the marriages in India are still organized through parental arrangements. Such ‘arranged marriages’ constitute almost 75 % of all marriages in India even now. ‘Love marriages,’ where the boy and the girl meet and fall in love and marry is growing now, mainly in the IT sector. Even these love marriages break up in the first 2 or 3 years. 

In India, whether it is the arranged or love marriage, the bride and the groom, marry not just each other, but also their respective families. This is the carryover of the traditions and strong ties exist between the parents and the adult children even after they marry.

In any marriage, the union of two different individuals will need a lot of adjustments and challenges. When you marry into a family, the challenges are more and varied. It becomes all the more difficult, when the parents of the boy lives with the new family or the newly married couple live with the parents of the boy. This was the routine in most of the families earlier and the daughter-in-law used to suffer under the iron control of the mother-in-law and the traditions. It is usually the mother wanting to control the earning member, her son, and manipulating it under the term love and sacrifice of a mother. In any case these situations are changing fast in the urban areas, especially in the IT sector, where the parents of the girls have started to live with the earning daughter, in her house. Now the husband is at the receiving end. It becomes more difficult, because the daughters being more emotional and attached to their parents will fight to keep up her responsibility of looking after her parents, even to the detriment of her marriage.

Sadly, it never occurs to the parents in India that they need to leave their married children, son or the daughter, to lead their own lives, away from the parents, independently, starting their own individual family units. Tradition has such a great hold on them that either the parents cling to their children or the children, even after marriage, cling to them. Any married man or woman, who loves his/her parents or siblings more than the spouse, is heading for trouble.

Bible says in Genesis 2:24,

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

The earlier translations mention ‘cling to’ or ‘cleave unto’ in the place of ‘be joined to.’ Such an intimacy will never form, when they live with their parents and are willing to sacrifice their lives for the lives of their parents. Joint family system places such a high price on individual happiness and freedom. Though this tradition of joint family is breaking, it still drags its foot, as the parents cling to their children, not able to ‘let go off’ them, due to various reasons.

The growing financial independence of the girls and the consequent empowerment of the women add to the problem, creating marital discord. Girls are laying down their own rules in marriages now, including looking after her parents. Mostly it shows in the gender equation that she demands. The age old arrangement that men go to work, while women stayed at home and cooked for the family has gone for a toss. The working woman, demands rightly so, that the husband shares the house hold chores, just as she is sharing the burden of earning the bread for the family. When young husbands insist that the wife work outside, earn money and bring it home, as it helps them to have better standard of life, but also work at home in the kitchen and when the baby comes take care of the baby, then it becomes too much for the woman to bear such a burden. Though there has been some change in the attitudes of young men in the country, still traditional view prevails and many marriages end in trouble because of this.

Differences in financial status of the couples also create problems. As long as the man earns better than the female, all goes well; once the woman earns more than the man and enjoys a better standing in the society, the man’s ego is not able to take it. He suffers from inferiority complex and this ruffles feathers at home.  

Incompatibility is another reason for increasing divorces. When the couple hail from families with marked difference in social status, it becomes difficult for them to adjust to each other. The person from a better social status might look down on the other person and it creates lot of adjustment problems.

Some rush into marriage, because they are afraid they are getting older or because of parental pressures and then reap the consequences of such rash decisions.

When there is one or two of such reasons, it is difficult for a marriage to survive, but when many such factors combine, then the marriage is doomed to failure.

So what can be done about this? Do we just leave it as fait accompli, something to be accepted as the result of advancement and development? Or could something be done to save the marriages?

First thing to realize is, when God created the institution of marriage, He created it for the union of one man and one woman for life. They are ‘to cleave unto each other,’ and start a new family, which is the basic unit of society. It is for love, emotional security, companionship, sex and progeny. God hates divorce, says Malachi 2:16, as much as He hates violence. A man is to love his wife as if she is his own body and be willing to lay his life down for her, just as Jesus Christ laid his life for his followers. Ephesians 5:25. The wife is to love and respect her husband and submit to him. Ephesians 5:22.

What happens when this ideal situation does not prevail? When the husband turns abusive, physically and verbally and emotionally? Does the wife endure it in good faith? What is she to do when the husband is an alcoholic and abuses her physically and does not provide for the home? How do we face adultery within a marriage?

In all such cases, I would say, divorce is not to be rushed into. One must try counseling from the elders in the church, if one belongs to a church, or go to the marriage counselors of the secular world. One has to work at marriage to make it successful. So give it a try by trying to put some sense into the mind of the man or the woman, as the case may be. Going to court for frivolous issues seeking divorce is definitely not the right thing to do. One need to exhaust all remedial sources before one really gives up on marriage.

Jesus Christ had accepted divorce only in cases of sexual immorality, in Matthew 19:8. Still he forgave the woman caught in the very act of adultery. It is possible for the wronged party to forgive the spouse, who had erred and the marriage relationship can be restored. However, persistent abuse of any kind is not to be put up with and the final remedy is only separation, divorce.

In cases of parental interference, it is better if the parents could live separately, within close quarters, so that the young adults can keep a watch on them. They need to be extended monetary support, if required. In case the couple is not earning enough, and cannot afford to give the parents a separate household, then while they parents live with them, strict lines must be drawn beyond which their influence and interference will not cross. The man or the woman must support and stand for his or her spouse in case of any ill-treatment or ridicule or abuse from their respective parents. In no case parents should be allowed to come in between the couple.

Most of all, in the beginning itself, it is wiser to spend lot of time in selection of the bride or the bride groom. Careful selection, done prayerfully, will definitely lead to the selection of a good partner for life. Once married, it is utmost important to work at it to make it a success. Not only the couple benefits from such a union, but also the children of such union, get to grow in an atmosphere of love and care and turn to be emotionally secure adults, when they start their own families.

God bless marriages and make them strong and stable.