So what can Parents do about it?

In the last 3-4 blogs I have been dealing with the problems the newly formed middle class in India is facing and how it is affecting the family, especially the lives of the young adults and their marriage. In all the churning and melting that is occurring in the process of people moving from poverty into lower middle class and middle-middle class and upper middle class, the baggage they carry from their place of origin remains. Upward social mobility is happening, but the mind and the outlook still remain narrow and traditional. The progress they make is mainly economical advancement. It is a clash of values that they encounter at various levels of development. In the process every one suffers, the parents, the young adults and their children. The mind-set has to change, if they are to really reap the benefits of economic and social advancement and lead a reasonably happy and satisfied life.

The background of the behavior of the parents sticking on to their adult children even after they marry is mainly because of economic reasons. When you invest some money in the bank, you get interest on the principle. So when parents invest all their earnings on their children to give them education to better their prospects, the expectation is that the children will pay back by looking after the parents when they are old. Parents also want to have control over their earning children so that their interests are safeguarded. This leads to interference, resentment from the spouse of their children and in many cases, eventual break-up in the marriage of the young adults.

It is also the hang-over of the traditional joint family system in India, where under the roof provided by a land owing or earning patriarch, all the children, mainly the boys with their wives lived. Girls leave to their in-law’s homes after marriage. All the earnings are pooled and considered common and the father supervised the finances, while the mother supervised the daughters-in-law and the kitchen generally. This is the control that the parents have lost today, when the children started to live separately and on their own. Still the pulls of the joint family system is so strong that it takes other forms, of parents living, earlier with their eldest son or any other son and now it is extended to living with earning daughters as well, which was once considered a taboo. In so living the parents still want to control, not only their children, but also their earnings and their spouses. It is rarely there are parent, who live with their children and not interfere with their lives. If one is lucky enough to have such parents, go ahead and happily live with them. There is no rule barring that.

Mostly, adult children are sort of caught in the web, web of love, obligation and of course emotional black mail of their parents. At that age of 28-32 or more, they find it so difficult to get out of this mesh entangling them. It is not to say that there are not children, who discard their old parents like dirty clothes and refuse to look after them or leave them in Anatha Ashrams (charity homes) or Old Age Homes and not even bother to visit them thereafter. There are such young adults also.

So what can be done? Is there a way where parents in their old age can be assured of being looked after, without having to live with their married children? How do they ensure their economic security, apart from their children? How can earning children ensure that their parents do not suffer neglect in their old age and at the same time not having to have them in their homes, disrupting their family lives? This is a mind boggling question, but needs to be addressed as India is changing rapidly economically and socially. Old values have to change and give place to new ones.

For the rich, who can afford, having reached the upper middle class and beyond, this may not pose a big problem. The adult children can set up a separate establishment for their parents, and if necessary, pay for the rent and the monthly cost of the establishment. Even today many widows and single women, who can afford, stay on their own, may be even at their own cost and in their own houses and manage by keeping servants, one to cook, one to do the top work, a driver, a gardener and so on. They might even have a full time person at home as a companion or help, male or female as the case may be. This is admirable. Others can follow it, if money permits. The parents can live in a close by flat or in a street close by, so that there is mutual help and assistance too in a healthy manner.

There is nothing wrong in living alone. Any number of women in Indian villages does it every day from ages back. In our villages women usually outlive husbands and refuse even to come to their children’ homes in cities, but voluntarily stay in villages, alone, in their small huts or houses. They are happy in their familiar surroundings and manage to cook and eat and have neighborly relationships with the surrounding families. This is no exception to rural India, but even in urban areas, many old people of both the sexes, alone or as married couples, live in like manner. Children go and visit them once a year or so if in villages, and once a week or month in the cities. This is a beautiful arrangement, which we could explore and follow.

Fortunately these days there are Retirement Homes for the elderly coming up in major cities, where medical care, food and all the needed services are provided for a neat sum. One could buy such flats or lease them and pay only the monthly establishment charges. People who can afford it must go for it. They have recreational facilities, libraries and people of almost the same age group and parents can spend their time happily. Children can come and visit them with grand children every now and then and keep their morale high. In case the parents do not have the money to afford such homes, the earning adult children can either pool or singly invest the money and meet the monthly charges too. The flat will come back to them only after the demise of the parents.

What happens when neither the parents nor the adult children have that type of money to afford a separate establishment for the parents? What if they have to keep the parents at home only? In such cases, when parents have to stay with their married children, the adult children will have to strictly draw the line up to which parents can go and not go beyond. It is difficult to teach the older parents not to interfere, but the young adult children need to absorb these matters and be firm in laying such rules at home and enforcing them. At no cost should the parents be allowed to talk ill of the spouse or talk them down. After marriage, all said and done, the partner to whom one is married becomes more important than the parents. They need to ‘cleave to each other’ in biblical terms.  

A special word to the parents: Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Instead of betting so much on their children’s future and depending on them for their old age, parents need to start putting some amount separately for their own future, even if it is a small sum. In due course it will grow up and be of use to buy a retirement home or health insurance or to afford servants and live on their own, without depending heavily on the children.

Lastly, parents need to develop their God-given talents, from early years on, so that when they are old and have to spend time in a Retirement Home, they are not staying there with eyes glued to the gate anticipating the visit from their children. Something to do usefully, especially for the women, other than cooking and looking after their brood, so that they are not at a loss, when children grow up and leave home or establish their own homes. To keep themselves busy and involved, for even in old age, people can be active and useful to society.

A word to the children: when parents are put in a Retirement Home, it doesn’t mean that the responsibility of the children is over. It starts only thereafter, but in a different way. Weekly visits and sharing of goodies and keeping up the loving relationship are very important. One needs to love and honor one’s parents. For the Christians it is one of the Ten Commandments. It reads,

“Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”  Ex.20:12

Honoring your parents doesn’t mean you have to be under their control even after you are a married individual with a family of your own. Everything has its own season in life.  

India is changing, changing fast. Relationships within family and marriage are all being fluid and in turmoil. We need to change the traditions and adjust to the times, at the same time, not giving up basic values like honoring parents. The change may have to be in how we do honor them. No one must go unloved and uncared for, children or adults. Whatever we do has repercussions in the lives of our next generation, children/grand children. They will suffer, if we do not take care of our behavior now.

People could say, we are trying to ape the Western civilization, which is seen in the growing divorce rates, children neglecting their parents and upcoming Retirement Homes, unheard of in the earlier India. But when we want to ape the West for development and prosperity and higher standard of living and empowerment of women, can we avoid the other side effects? Can we live in our tradition bound villages in 21^st century? Even if we want to, is it possible or is it desirable? When our lives are changing, new challenges come and we need to face them. When we are prepared, we can break the fall, otherwise, the fall will break us.

All said and done, Christ offers us the assurance as written in Romans 8:28,

“And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, ...”

It is reassuring to know that though we might make a mess of our lives, God in his mercy will being something good of it all, if we trust in Him. Let our hopes lie in that assurance.