In the race to catch up with the rich and the affluent, parents in modern India sacrifice a lot to see that their children reach a better standard of living than what they had. They toil, go without luxuries and comforts for themselves, are thrifty and invest everything in the education of their children, these days both boys and girls. Of course most parents expect their children, once established in a good or better job than themselves, to turn and support them, not only in their old age, but also in their dreams to have a better housing or a better standard of living. This is where the problem starts.
When parents do not demand such ‘repayments’ from their
children, but who are just happy to see their children doing well in life, and
stay where they are with a good measure of satisfaction and contentment, the
children themselves turn around and help them. In many cases where the children
of rickshaw pullers and servant maids and coolie-workers have entered
Information Technology workforce, or even IAS (Indian Administrative Service) or
IIT (Indian Institute of Technology), adore their parents and see to that they
are really taken care of. Many of such children, once they get a decent job,
want to buy a two-wheeler or a car or build a house for their parents. With
their first salary they usually honor their parents. Many support their younger
siblings by educating them or marrying them off. That is good indeed.
The trouble arises when the parents demand riches or better
standard of living for themselves, because they have educated and given that
better life for their children, whether boy or girl. They demand it as their due
for having invested in the future of their children. Especially in a country like
India, which in spite of being the ninth in the list of countries in Gross Domestic
Product (GDP), has a very low per capita income of only $5,760 per annum,
standing 124th rank among 185 countries. The social security net
from government side is almost nil, whereas in the developed Western countries
like USA, UK, Europe, Canada and some Eastern countries like Singapore,
Australia and New Zealand, social security is so good that people are taken
care almost from cradle to the grave. In the absence of government institutions
and assistance in old age or in sudden sicknesses or calamities, it is natural
for parents to look to their children for support.
The family system is so built in India that elders are to be
respected and family is to be given priority, even more than the individual
freedom or happiness, and a mother is looked up as god and almost worshiped,
especially because of the many sacrifices she makes for her children. Mother’s
sacrifices are even more towards the boys, because, in the traditional Indian
society, it is demeaning to live under the support of daughters, but the sons
have the responsibility for taking care of the parents. It is the right of the
parents to demand such a care from the boys. From early childhood this
discrimination starts and girls are neglected and boys are given all the privileges,
better food, medical care, schooling and lots of love. Girl children are being
abandoned even today, because parents have to give dowry to get them married
and look after the first or all the deliveries of children and so on. Female foeticide
is very common even today in India, especially in the rural areas. If they are
not killed in infancy, then they are killed or burnt to death by husband’s
mother and sisters, demanding higher dowry. Of course a lot has changed these
days and many girls are educated equally and employed in good positions. This
opens up another problem.
Once the children, boys or girls reach marriageable age, the
tussle becomes more open. For the boys it is the eternal struggle between a
demanding mother whom he worships, and the crying wife who has come into his
life only recently, that too through an arranged marriage. Whom will he please,
mother or the wife? Great dilemma for the boy! Usually mother wins hand down. Problems
in marriage start, with mother and father interfering in the married life of
the boys. Earlier, the young wives, were brought up in a traditional manner, whether
they were working or not, and obeyed the mother-in-law, and put up with great misery
and ill-treatment. Today’s girls just walk out and marriages break. Many cases
I know personally, where boys in good positions staying alone after the break
in the marriage, looking after their parent, sacrificing in their turn for the
welfare of the parents. Many remarry and the saga continues. Only with the
death of the parents relief comes to the poor daughter-in-law and the son
himself. A new life of love and
understanding between the husband and wife starts only after that!
Girls being educated and in good jobs earning good money, has
exposed girls also to similar manipulations. Parents are no longer shy of taking
shelter in daughter’s houses, married or not. Many girls remain single and take
care of their parents. Most marry, and then starts the interference in the
married life by parents, and very soon the husband throws the towel or just the
marriage breaks. These days’ boys are open to wives looking after their parents
and do hospital duties for the father-in law or the mother-in-law, as the case
may be.
There is nothing wrong in boys or girls looking after their
parents. It is their duty to do so. But the parents are so selfish, they want
the love or the earnings or the comforts provided by their earning children,
they interfere and make a mess of their children’s lives. The love with which
they bind their sons or daughters, become an iron cage for these newly married couples.
They are not able to break away from the love of their mothers or fathers. They
are not able to stand up for their wives or husbands as the case may be. They
suffer, not knowing why and the parents tighten the noose around the children,
knowing full well what they are doing, but being blinded by their own needs, and
to the need of a happy family life of their children. They project their rights
on the boy or the girl, because they had invested in their education or job. It
is a pity, which can well be avoided.
Once two adults, man and woman, marry, through arranged or
love marriage, they form a unit and start a new family together. They must be
left alone to learn to be adults, understand and start to love their partners
and to take up the responsibilities of taking care of their children. When both
are working, it is a great help if parents or the parent-in-laws are present to
look after the children. But this comes with a great price. Frequent quarrels
and admonitions and tears do not auger well for the small children. They carry
such emotional baggage resulting from such scenes well into their adult hood
and suffer great damages. Love and understanding takes time to develop. Before
it could develop, parents interfere and love has no chance of developing between
the two.
In Bible it is written,
“Therefore a man (or woman) shall leave his (her) father and
mother and be joined to his wife (her husband), and they shall become one
flesh.” Genesis 2:24. Jesus Christ endorsed this principle in Matthew 19:4 and
added
“Therefore what God has joined together, let not man
separate.”
Let them live and learn the nuances of living in this world. Take
off your hands, parents and relatives. Let them learn by making mistakes, doesn’t
matter, they will learn. Extend support and advice if asked for, otherwise just
keep off. There has been too much of suffering in the world because of this.
Parents must learn that children’s’ lives are not mortgaged to them; they have
a future of their own. Children, stand for your rights, but at the same time
support you parents in their needs. Neglecting parents to suffer in penury,
while children are relaxing in luxury is not correct. Neither is right to let
parents interfere in the affairs of your life. It belongs to you and your wife
or husband as the case may be. Protect it jealously and safeguard it lest
vested interests break it. Both the parties, parents and young adults have a
lot to learn. Selfishness alone should not decide the matters. Love and goodness
and large bigheartedness are all required.
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