Perfectionism: Is it a malady?

Can we call the desire to be perfect a malady? Hasn’t Jesus Christ himself asked us to be perfect as His Father in heaven is perfect? “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48. What type of perfectionism did he mean? Is there a difference between Christian perfection and perfectionism?

The context in which Jesus asked his disciples to be perfect was God’s impartial love. Jesus was exhorting people to love not just their friends but also their enemies, those who hurt and persecute, and pray for them. Doesn’t God show kindness and love to all without any partiality, in that He allows rain to fall on the good and the bad?

Jesus is asking us to emulate God and love everyone. Of course we as human beings could never be perfect on this side of the heaven. We can only strive towards it and with a lot of grace from God, we may even come close to it.

If this is Christian perfection, then what is this perfectionism that is treated as a malady in terms of psychology?

A perfectionist is one who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. Psychology treats perfectionism as a personality trait, where a person is striving to be flawless and setting excessively high performance standards for himself/herself. They are highly critical of themselves and their achievements.

In a positive form it is good as it leads to great achievements, but in maladaptive form, it becomes neurotic and drives people to set unattainable goals, and then when they cannot achieve it, they fall into depression. They measure their self-worth by their productivity and accomplishments.

This sort of perfectionism becomes a counterfeit for Christian perfection, according to Seamands, who deals with this subject in his book, “Healing for Damaged Emotions.”

So what are the symptoms of this malady?

First is the tyranny of the ‘oughts,’ the insistent feeling that “I ought to have done better.” “I could have done better.” Secondly showing self-depreciation, which emerges from a low self-esteem. One feels never quite satisfied with oneself and ones’ achievements. It is never adequate to satisfy your demanding father or mother or God, for that matter!

Thirdly these lead to anxiety, of not having achieved, not pleased or not measured up to the standards set for oneself. Such a person is always under a cloud of heaviness of underachievement and guilt over it, leading to self-condemnation.

Fourth, such a person is very sensitive to what others might think of him/her. Since he is not able to accept himself or feel acceptance from God, he needs constant approval from other people, be it parents or friends or even acquaintances. They try even harder to please others! They can be greatly swayed by other’s opinions.

Next, from deep within they develop anger, a resentment against the struggles they have to go through to achieve this perfection, against the people who in their imagination demand such perfectionism and even against God, who looks like a demanding heavenly Father, a God who is never satisfied!

When the strain becomes too heavy the person just breaks down, mentally and emotionally.

The root causes mainly are the earthly parents and the early childhood experiences. When parents drive their children to achieve greater and greater grades, and never show appreciation of the marks/grades obtained, but keep saying, ‘if you had worked a bit more, you could have done better,’ this rings in the ears not just their childhood but all through their lives.  

Unpleasant parents and conditional love go to produce unreachable goals and unattainable standards against which they struggle throughout their lives. Children who are not treated well and appreciated become docile, eager to please and often ‘doormats’ in their adult life.

The main message such parents pass on to the child is, ‘I am not accepted as I am,’ and that ‘I have to try very hard to get approval.’ This becomes a pattern. The child develops deep anxiety, feeling of insecurity, unworthiness and undesirableness. Even the differential treatment of a girl child, who is treated as if she is inferior to the boys, could end up leading her to prove her superiority by being a perfectionist.  

What then is the remedy?

We need renewal of mind by the special healing power of the Holy Spirit. God has not given us conditional love, but showered on us unmerited grace and unconditional love. In His eyes we are already righteous, having adorned us with the righteousness of His son, which we receive through faith in Jesus Christ.

We do not really have to strive hard to prove ourselves to Him. He knows our mold, He knows we are clay, fragile and fallen. Our parents and us, we are all fallen and go through this world with baggage of our own. So He took our frailties on the cross and paid the price with His life, so that we can go scot free. We don’t have to do anything, except to believe in Him and accept what He did on the cross for us.

He is our Wounded Healer, as Seamans beautifully puts it across. He is able to heal us, restore us and even make something beautiful out of us. Let’s trust in him and surrender ourselves to Him, forgiving whoever caused such harm to us, whether in childhood or as adults, so we can become channels of blessings to others who are suffering, whom God can minister through us.

We can comfort others with the comfort with which we ourselves were comforted by God,

“who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Cor.1:4

Care of the Dying: What does it involve?

I landed at the Palliative Care Unit of Bangalore Baptist Hospital (BBH) early today morning with a lot of apprehension in my heart. I was to write a report on the counselling care offered to people under care of a hospice or hospital as a part of my assignment for the Counselling course I had just completed. Having learnt that BBH is one of the very few units offering such services, I took the necessary permissions and went over there.

The Urban Palliative Care Team consisting of a Doctor, two nurses and a chaplain, warmly welcomed me and off we went riding the vehicle donated by some grateful relative of a patient. The sweet little Doctor opened her small little tiffin box and started to eat her breakfast! The Pastor tried to mix philosophy with a lot of humor and I got used to the team.

The doctor tried to enlighten me with the history of Palliative care in Bangalore and the world in general and gave me a gentle introduction to the first patient we were about to visit. We climbed the stairs to visit the first patient. By the way, all the patients under palliative care are those who have received their death sentences, most of them being cancer patients, and are in various stages of progression of the disease.

The first patient was a woman of 42 years old, Kamala (all the patients’ names have been changed to keep up confidentiality) mother of two grown up children. She was sitting on her bed placed in the sitting room and looked remarkably well, cheerful, smart with a bright face and a nice smile and sparkling eyes. Is this the patient? I couldn’t believe.

Oh, yes, but a cheerful patient, who said her only prayer is she should be able to be in good health and cheer till the last moment. However, she admitted that her hope and enthusiasm vanished like a punctured balloon, when she felt the discomfort of her rectal cancer. Her clothes get dirty and smelly and her family members are washing it. She felt bad about it.

Her son has chosen to work from home to keep an eye on the mother. Her own mother comes over every day in the mornings to make keep her company and to make juices and other such liquid diets for her ailing daughter to be given once in two hours.

The palliative care unit went about their work in a very organized manner. The doctor checked the patient, checked the medicines she was taking, prescribed certain modifications and looked into the records. One nurse moved in and checked the blood pressure (BP); and having personally witnessed the son shouting at the mother while on conversation with the nurse on telephone when she was in the Unit, she went aside to talk softly to the son. The other nurse recorded things on the format.

Once the medical team finished with whatever they wanted to see, do or talk, then moved in the pastor. Kamala being a Hindu, the pastor asked permission from her and her family members present there to pray for her. They gladly agreed and the pastor prayed a sincere prayer for her well-being and health till the end. Then with good byes we all left, not before tasting the lovely coffee they offered to all of us!

I felt quite relieved; no great traumas as I had expected. This is going to be a cake-walk. A cheerful patient wanting only to be kept in such cheerful state till the end! Once in the vehicle, pastor and the doctor slowly brought it to light it was not all that cheerful. The lady obviously put up a show with tremendous effort to show a cheerful demeanor for her visitors. Now it was my turn to feel like a punctured balloon!

Next was an elderly gentleman, George, in his early sixties, again lying in his cot placed in the hall/sitting room of a nicely furnished home. The man was morose, dull and was obviously in pain over his abdominal cancer. There was no smile on his face, but a dull pain. The doctor-cum-nurse team quickly moved in and did all the routine check-up and discussion with the family members, the daughter and her husband.

The pastor moved in next; the others excepting me and one nurse went outside to talk to the family and the pastor had the man all to himself. Amazing, he sat next to the patient, took the patient’s hand in his hand, pressed it to his own chest, looked deeply into the eyes of the dying man, and conversed with him, ever so softly and gently. When asked later what really transpired, the pastor said, he had to do what he did, because of the question George had asked him.

George had asked the pastor, ‘so how much time do I have?’ The pastor almost asked him how much time he would want and went on to talk to him about the statement of the Apostle Paul, when he was awaiting his trial under the Roman authorities. He had said, ‘to live means to live in Christ and to die means to be with Christ.’ So either way, he was happy, because living or dead he would be with Christ.

The Pastor talked in his soft voice for quite some time to the patient, occasionally caressing his head, telling him in his faith, George has Christ living in him and if and when he dies, he need not worry because he will still be with Christ. He passed on to George that gentle assurance and faith that he seemed to lack. After what looked like eternity itself, pastor prayed with his hands still holding George’s and infused that assurance to him.

When he got up, George was smiling and seemed to have imbibed the peace and acceptance that he was struggling with thus far. I was amazed at the transformation of the man with the sincerity and the time spent by the pastor at his side. Wow! Miracle-workers, the medical team and the pastor! My heart went out to them.

Once in the vehicle pastor began to narrate how his wife always quarrels with him saying he has time for all the others but never for her! Everyone laughed and joked about this and the tension eased considerably. Next stop came.

This was a nice house, but construction of upstairs was going on and the place was a little messy. Here also the lady, Rajamma, mother of two sons and a daughter was lying in pain in her bed in the hall/sitting room. A curtain separated her bed and gave her a little privacy.

One look at the patient and I could tell this was a bad case. She was 60 plus, but emaciated, terribly weak, skins and bones, in the final stages of abdominal cancer. Her stomach has been sealed off in an operation and she was being fed with a tube. The Doctor and nurses attended to her, the woman groaned in pain and was not even able to talk; she just showed up some signs with her thin hands.

The doctor called in the family members, the daughter, one brother and the two daughters-in-laws who were all there and told them the bad news: their mother does not have many days left; it could be any time now. So try and keep her in comfort, give her the pain killers and keep her without pain and suffering; that is all we can do now. Be strong now and brace yourselves, her time is up.

The daughter started to weep; one of the nurses came running to tell the doctor that Rajamma was not responding; we all ran to the next room, she had the glazed look on her face, but revived in a few minutes, but was restless. Pastor loudly asked everyone, as if in a hurry, can he pray for her? They all said yes, please do. He sat next to her and prayed for her and when he finished she was motionless. I thought she had died in the pastor’s arms as he prayed.

A gentle heaving of her body told she was still alive and breathing. We left after comforting the family members. For once, we were all silent in the vehicle, for we had the premonition that she might die by the end of the day, if not earlier.

Oh, what a day! The team was still to go on and visit a few more patients, but I bid goodbye and hurried back to my place in an Ola taxi cab. I had had enough. My mind went back to the dying person and her family members.  What a tragedy and what a trauma! The human frailty in the face of the tragedy! 

Yet, Jesus overcame death, He was resurrected on the third day and ascended into heaven. This gives us, whoever believes in Christ, the assurance and the hope that we also will arise on the last day alive and in a glorified body and we will live for ever with Christ Himself. What a wonderful and glorious hope to live and die for.

Our sufferings and death on this earth are not without meaning or purpose. Terminally ill people, in spite of the long drawn suffering have time to think, reflect, accept the inevitable and put their trust in God. This is denied to those who suddenly die in an accident or heart attack. So the Bible says be ready always, we never know when our time to face our Maker will come. We need to give account.

Hats off to the Palliative care team! Imagine facing such human frailties five days a week, 6-7 cases a day! How do they cope up with this? Where do they go to find strength for all these? In a little humor and self-deprecation?

The doctor said, after a day’s work of visiting such patients, they all sit in the office room of the unit, discuss it all among themselves, pray and leave it all there itself and go home, so that they do not carry these to their homes and families. Formidable task!

My prayers go for them. They could find strength to do what they do day after day only in Christ in prayer. These are the people who do real service to the dying in their time of need and offer hope and courage for them to face even death with equanimity. True service to humanity, they offer.

God bless them and their families and their patients and their families.

 

Bird watching from my house in Bangalore!

Bangalore is becoming its usual self again. It is July and the monsoon rains are as per schedule, thanks to the absence of El Nino phenomenon. This summer was unbearable with temperatures climbing to 39.2 degree Celsius in April and May also was unusually hot. 

In the 1940s and 50s Bangalore was known as Pensioner’s paradise. Then by the 1980s it became the IT (Information Technology) capitol of India. What with people coming from not just all over India but from abroad also! With the result flats, cars, international schools, population, supporting services around IT industry and so on and so forth multiplied and almost changed the face of Bangalore.

It was no longer the peaceful and quiet place with mist hanging around on almost nine months of the year, an air-conditioned city, with salubrious weather conditions all around the year. Ironically this weather was what attracted IT company and its paraphernalia to the place! It also killed Bangalore’s charm.

                                                                               

Having said that, I must also ruminate that Bangalore has not completely lost its charm! It may never revert back to being a pensioner’s paradise, but won’t become a burning oven either. It still boasts of a mild weather and especially this year with good rains, the famous drizzle of Bangalore has returned.

   

                                                                  Green wall on my terrace, Ahoka Polyalthia

It is very nice to get up each morning with a smile on your face and a song on your lips, listening to the early morning twitter of the birds around the house in our colony. This colony is mercifully tucked away from the main Hundred feet road and is an oasis within the traffic chaos of the area. The place is full of garden plants with flowers and fruits that it is also a favorite haunt of many different species of birds.

                        

Garden around my house

 There are many Bird-watching groups in Bangalore who assemble at Lal Bagh garden or places like that and go on trek to enjoy bird-watching. But I sit in my house and watch birds! At least 25 species of birds come and flop around my house and garden. When birds come to see you in your place where is the need to go in search of these in the wilderness?

My garden abounds with Crow-pheasant or Coucal, walking sometimes on the compound wall; Asian Koel, with its pink eyes and beautiful call announcing the monsoon, pecking at the papaya fruits in the garden; the pearly female koel is a beauty to behold. Not to mention the crows and the rock pigeons and the mynas.

 Koel feasting on papaya fruit

Shaggy Green Barbet on Ashoka Polyalthia tree

Green Barbets nest there and bring up their chicks! They flit from tree to tree with their loud calls in the season. The beautiful sing song call of red cheeked Bulbul early in the spring is not a thing to miss! They roost and teach their young to fly right under your nose!

Then there are black-naped Oriole, in pretty yellow and its kin golden Oriole in their golden yellow plumage adding  color to the garden. Spotted doves coo about. Nothing to beat the tiny sun birds, especially the maroon breasted sun bird, with metallic green and purple sheen twittering along with its mate. Then there is the purple-rumped Sun bird, with crimson and bluish purple above and green and purple and yellow below. 

Common myna and jungle myna make for a noisy neighborhood. Rose-ringed parakeet come to eat the long pods of the flowering tree in the front. Tailor birds are peculiar in that their long tail is upturned and they tweet from bush to bush in search of an insect or two. 

                                                                            Asian Paradise Flycatcher 

Nothing to beat my winter visitor, the Asian Paradise Flycatcher, who promptly returns every year to my tree by October middle and visits me twice or thrice each day through out its stay in my neighborhood. Come summer in its peak in mid April he flies away, to the cooler north, until for another season. Once I was able to see the young juvenile raised by him and his mate, so lean and swanky it was!

Asian Paradise Flycatcher on my balcony 

As if this is not enough very close to our place there is the Madivala lake where many water birds come to feast on the fish and the Cormorants and Night Herons use our colony to nest and go over to the lake to bring in the fresh fish to feed its young.  

    Cormorants in Madivala lake

White-throated King fishers and Paddy birds and the long necked Grey Herons which majestically strut their necks about are often spotted in the lake. Spot-billed Pelicans nest in the island in the middle of the lake and skillfully glide over the waters. 

Spot-billed Pelican in Madivala lake

One October I saw hundreds of them, floating gracefully in the waters of the lake, a sight truly to behold. Some times, in the early mornings they swim around the fishing coracles, to catch the unwanted fish and mollusks the men throw about. 

In the evening times, hundreds of white egrets fly around tree tops in our colony like a cloud burst, before they decide which tree to settle down. They do not select a tree to settle down and sleep so easily, but fly in crowds many times before they finally settle down and go to sleep. 

What a wonder it is this nature and its inhabitants including trees, birds and fish and even human beings! What a grand creation by God, who was able to appreciate such beauty that He created it all in His creative Spirit and for all of us to enjoy! Bible in many places says, God created the heavens and the earth and all that there is in. 

As I look around and enjoy the beauty of the nature, the trees and the birds and the lakes and the waters, my heart swells with gratitude and a song rises in my heart, 

           

              "Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh, oh my soul,

               worship His Holy name;

               sing like never before, oh my soul,

               worship His holy name, 

               worship His holy name,

               worship His holy name!"

           

What is this Low Self-Esteem and how do you heal it?

This is a pertinent question. As I complete my theoretical class room training in Counseling, this question daunts me. As a person who has battled with low self-esteem for a long time, and having come out it with lot of love from the Lord, still I wouldn’t say that I am completely out of it.

So what is this low self-esteem? How does it come about? How does it affect a person’s personality? What are its effects on a person’s life? How do you overcome it? How do you keep it at bay for the rest of your life? These are questions that baffle any one, and I would try to pry into each of this in this blog.

David A. Seamands, in his book “Healing for Damaged Emotions,” calls low self-esteem as Satan’s deadliest weapon. It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth. You stand so low in your own estimate that you feel you are not lovable, even when you are not an ugly duckling; you are not capable of any achievement, even when you bring home a Gold medal for standing first in the class; you feel a numb pain knowing that you are not appreciated and you put down yourself all the while, in spite of your achievements. That is low self-esteem, if you would like!

How does it come about? No child is born with low self-esteem. It is given; it is learnt in the process of life. From the birth to the age of five, the child’s mind is so fresh and clean and so impressionable, that it absorbs everything that is said to it like a blotting paper. How the child is treated in its early years is of utmost important. The child could sense any trace of rejection in the love of the mother or the father. It will leave a deep impression in the child’s personality.

As the child grows into a boy or a girl, the treatment and love he or she receives from the parents, siblings and those around him/her during these growing years would leave an indelible mark on the child.

A father may extend conditional love to his son or daughter, that if he/she brings a good report card alone, love of the father is received. There is always the fear that he/she may not be able to satisfy the father and receive his love. Children try harder and harder to please their parents and their demands just to feel accepted and receive that security of love.

A mother may reject her daughter, may be because she was dark in color, or may be because she never wanted a girl child, for her preference was for a male child. Or even if the mother has no such preferences, but the family into which the girl child is born entertains such preferences, then also insecurity and rejection sets in leading to a chain of reactions. The girl feels, ‘I am not worthy, I am ugly, and I am not what I should have been.’

Comparing the performance of a boy in the school to his other siblings or cousins or friends to spur him to study better will only back fire. It will leave him with an impression that ‘I am no good, my parents prefer and appreciate others, but not me. I am not up to the mark.’ These trigger low self esteem that lasts for a life time.

Low self-esteem can paralyze a person’s potential. They are not able to achieve due to self-doubt which hinders them. They put blocks in their own progress, immobilized by fear and a feeling of inadequacy. They do not venture out of the box, fearing failure, for the word of their mothers that they are up to nothing rings in the back of their minds. They do not realize their full potential.

It could destroy the dreams of a person. When the vision one has of oneself is of inferiority and low estimate of self, no big dream can be achieved. One settles down for an average, safe, mundane life.

It can spoil ones relationship with others. A person with low self-esteem would doubt every relationship, for they are afraid that the other person will reject them; or cling to the others and get rejected into a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you have not received you cannot give. It isolates you. One would become, suspicious and hostile or cringing and clinging. It incapacitates a person.

If it is so horrible why do parents treat their children in this manner? Why don’t they accept the children as they are with all their faults and gifts and talents? Mainly because parents do not realize the harm they are doing to their children. They thing they are scolding them, comparing them to the others, for their own good, little realizing that this will leave the children wounded for life. It is personalized in their children’s lives. Parents have to learn and change. Parenting is not a cake walk.

How does a person so damaged in his/her self esteem, recover and realize the potential for which God has created him/her?

First thing to do is to realize that you are not born as a person with low self esteem and that one becomes so because of the treatment meted out at home. What is learnt can always be unlearned. Once you realize the source of the malady, it is easy to eradicate it.

Along with it what one has to do is to forgive those who damaged you that way. Forgiveness is important, to let go of it and to have an anger free life. Or else the anger and resentment will eat you up. Also it is good to realize that in most cases, parents in their ignorance did this and not deliberately. And it is not going to be possible to change them or the situation one is born into. Jesus said forgive your enemies, pray for them.

Secondly, we need to understand that God, who created us in His image, loves us so much that He sent His only Son Jesus Christ, to go to the cross for us. That great love and that great sacrifice, Jesus did it for you individually. He loved you that much that He went to the cross for you. Can you appreciate that love? You are the most cherished person on this earth in the eyes of God. Draw your emotional security and self esteem from His love.

Thirdly let go of the past. Let it not become a stumbling block for your future. Why carry the burden unnecessarily, especially when we cannot do anything to undo the past? Forgive and forget and forge ahead. Learn to leave these burdens on to the Lord, who said, “Come unto me I shall give you rest.” Cast your burdens on Him and you go free, free as a fiddle.

Lastly ‘love yourself,’ not in a narcissistic manner, but in a healthy manner. Jesus said ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ The command was not to hate yourself and love the neighbor, but to love him as you love yourself. True humility is not downgrading yourself all the time, but thanking the Lord for the gifts He has endowed you with and accepting the appreciation of others, when it is genuine. 

Take care of yourself, eat well, eat right, exercise, take care of your body, groom yourself, read, work hard, not to satisfy your boss, but work as if to the Lord. Develop your interests, your hobbies, engage yourself, and fly high. Hold yourself straight, chin up, for the Lord God is with you and you can do all things in Christ who strengthens you, including getting over the low self-esteem.  

Is it possible to apply ancient rules and First century commandments to the 21st century families?

Biblical standards for marriage are crystal clear. One man for one woman and they are to leave their respective parents and cleave unto each other for life. Divorce is permitted only for reason of adultery and in such a case remarriage is approved for the innocent party, who was wronged. On death of one of the spouses also the other person can remarry.

Can we apply these norms to the present day generation, especially in India? How relevant are the first century norms for us? This I will detail in this blog.

In India the scene is very muddled. Things are changing so fast that time-honored traditions and values are not the norm any more.

One thing remains common through the ages is the interference from parents. Earlier it was the parents of the boys, who demanded, commanded and enslaved the brides, because they had educated their sons, who are employed now and so they had a say in everything the sons did or have or possess, including his wife. Dowry was demanded and received for this contract of looking after the bride for life!  

Property always went to the boys for they would take care of the parents in their old age, a social security for them. Girls were married off, with or without dowry, and she became the responsibility to be nourished or killed in the husband’s house by her in-laws. Fast forward to 21^st century, and the scenario had changed!

Girls are earning now, that too well, due to education and employment opportunities. Parents now prize girls, because they are definitely more attached to parents and look after them well, being financially independent. The old cultural taboo of not staying in the girl’s house has vanished. Parents are increasingly staying with their daughters, interfere, and sometimes even separate the girls from their husbands and sit and enjoy.

Parents have to first learn that joint family system in the olden form or the new form will not work and is not healthy. Their daughters/sons once they marry are to establish their own homes and should be left on their own to make their little families. Age old wisdom of the Bible when God created Adam and Eve will apply very well in this field, even today.

The major problem now is the independent and self-supporting girls of this generation are walking out of their husbands within 10 days or one month of marriage! That is the other extreme. What would they know about the boy they married with in that short period? Have they even tried to live with him, understand him and adjust? Not really! Not to be unsaid, parents of these girls welcome them back with open hands.

May be girls have progressed much and boys are still left in the old culture, where they were the only earning member and had their wives fussing over them and take care of their comforts. Now, even when the wife goes out and earns equally or more, working as hard as he does, the house hold chores are yet to be done by the wife. That places a great burden on the women and naturally she rebels.

Men have to change. They have changed all over the world and this change is coming slowly to India as well. Mothers cannot see their sons helping their wives in the kitchen! That is not manly! That has to change and men have to equally take responsibilities of house hold chores, including that of looking after the kids, if things have to go smoothly in their lives. And parents, hands off!

Eve was created as a ‘companion comparable,’ and not as a door mat or household help. Our boys have to realize this and the parents have to teach their sons to share household chores even when they are young and growing up. Girls and boys have to be brought up equally without any discrimination.

Coming to divorce, what about women who are suffering under abusive husbands? Drunken husbands, who physically abuse wives; how about desertions? Or when a man goes and establishes a ‘chinna veedu?’ (This is in Tamil and literally means setting up his concubine or second wife in another house).

I have always wondered what makes a woman to agree to be such ‘chinna veedu.’ They put themselves under such a demeaning relationship, because there are no other men in the world or are they so desperate to find a man? In my view it is much better to stay alone and face the world than have such a ‘set up.’

Well, in all these cases a wife has absolute right to seek justice. She could bring this issue calmly with the husband and if he refuses to repent and come back, go to the elders in the community or church and bring up the issue. The elders, whoever might be in such a case, must take responsibility and call the man or the woman as the case may be (for there are abusive wives also!) and admonish him/her and advice them appropriately.

In case this also is of no use, counseling with qualified persons can be had for some time, prayerfully, to make the other person get some sense. In spite of these interventions if the offending party does not correct his/her behavior, I would say that the aggrieved party is well within rights to seek separation. May be only separation and not straight away divorce. After waiting at least for a year, I would say, one can move the papers for divorce.

A man has to realize that he has to love his wife and seek her happiness first; so also the wife. Expecting his/her own happiness in marriage and trying to change the other person to his/her liking will destroy happiness. Paul says a husband has to love his wife as his own body and lay down his life for her just as Christ laid down his life for His church. Ephesians 5:25, 28. 

When men behave that way, women will have no problem letting him be the real ‘man in the house who wears the pants,’ and be the leader in the household. It is only when men do not take such responsibilities, but assert their authority within the household, problems erupt.

I find that biblical norms and standards can still be applied to the 21^st century families, for men and women everywhere are basically the same, whatever may be the century and respond well to love. And love is the foundation in a marriage. 

Note:

I am out on training in Counseling from 12^th to 19^th of this month. This is my last module of training, being trained by “Person to Person Institute” at Hyderabad, India. After that I will be a full-fledged counselor! Praise God for that.

So I will not be posting my blogs on next and next to next Monday, but will meet up with you all on 27^th June.

Good bye till then and God keep you all blessed. 

Is there a Method in the Madness of Marriage?

What is this great human institution called marriage? People seem to be marrying all the time, falling in love, getting married and then promptly falling out of love, getting divorced and then marrying all over again. Why do they do it? Is it just sex or hormones or companionship? Is there a method to this madness? Are there norms or standard for marriage and divorce? Let me delve into this.

Oxford dictionary would define marriage as ‘the legal relationship between a husband and wife.’ It is a legal bondage, publicly made between a man and a woman, in the presence of all the relatives and friends, who bear witness to this event. How did it originate? Where did the idea come from?

I would like to turn to the Bible for this. Genesis 1:27 says, in the beginning God created man and woman in His own image and blessed them to multiply and subdue the earth and have dominion over it. This authority, you would like to note, was given to both man and woman and not just to man.

God who created everything, heavens and earth and all that is in these, acclaimed it as ‘Good,’ after creation of each of these. However God felt that ‘it is not good that man should be alone.’ Genesis 2:18. So He created woman to be a companion comparable to man.

A man is never full in himself. He is full only when united with a woman, his companion and of course vice versa. This was the design of God who created them man and woman. God further ordained that, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. This was the story of Adam and Eve, the first human pair.

This was also the pattern that God gave for human couples. Therefore a man, which applies to woman also, will leave his or her father and mother and be united to his/her wife/husband. They form one unit, a new family unit, apart from the original families they came from.

Jesus while affirming this, further laid down that “Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate,” Matthew 19:6, for ‘the two shall become one flesh.’ Mt.19:5. It is this union between a man and woman that is called marriage and is in existence since the beginning, ever since man and woman were created. It is a God-given institution to humankind.

If that were so, whence came the divorce? Why do people want to separate from each other and from this life-long bond? Why this animosity, hatred, violence, abuse and final separation? What went wrong in between?

We need to go to Genesis again, this time to the account of the Fall of humankind, recorded in Genesis 3:1-24. When the first human pair disobeyed God and went seeking after knowledge of good and evil, as prompted by Satan, without the approval of God, they fell under the influence of Satan, and lost the blessings of the Creator God.

This event poisoned everything in the creation, the relationship between God and humans, between humans and the world, consisting of animals and nature, between man and man and between man and woman. Hatred replaced love, separation replaced union and life became one of strife and contention, as we see it today.

In the 1^st century Jewish world that Jesus lived in, divorce was common. They were divorcing their wives on flimsy grounds, for Mosaic Law stated that a man may divorce his wife ‘if she finds no favor in his eyes, because he has found some indecency in her.’ But what is this ‘indecency?’

One school of thought among the then Jews interpreted indecency as adultery, but another school interpreted it to mean almost anything. A man could divorce his wife if she spoiled his dinner, if she spun, or went with unbound hair, or spoke to men in the streets, or if she spoke disrespectfully of his parents in his presence and so on.

The Pharisees, the religious leaders of that time came to Jesus and to test him asked him, whether it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason. It was then Jesus proclaimed what God has joined let no man separate. He further laid down that “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.

So the standard for marriage is life-long union between a man and woman and them separately starting a family apart from their respective parents. And the only legitimate reason for divorce is adultery alone, either on the part of the husband or the wife. Remarriage after divorce for any other reason other than adultery, in Jesus’ view was tantamount to adultery, whether it was the divorced man or the woman.

Remarriage was permitted among Jews, if one of the partner, the husband or the wife dies. Then the marriage bond is dissolved and the person is free to marry again. A man or woman, being the wronged party and divorces his/her spouse for adultery is also free to remarry. Otherwise marriage bond is irrevocable.

Having seen the standard laid down by God for marriage and Jesus for marriage and divorce, what remains now is to apply these to the present day goings on with regard to marriage and divorce. 

That could be done only in my next blog. You may have to wait till then!

No trendy good bye this time! 

Divorce: at what price? Introducing the Subject.

Though I have written one or two blogs on the subject of divorce, blogs dated 19.9.2015 and 23.9.2015, these were mainly from the angle of parental interference leading to divorce among Indian couples.

The subject of divorce has been on my mind for quite some time now, mainly because many of the counseling cases I am dealing with are concerned with divorce, couples struggling to live with one another and finding it increasingly difficult to do so and gravitating towards divorce.

In Koramangala Methodist church, which I attend, we are planning to have a seminar on “Marriage Enrichment,” on Sunday, the 29^th May. Mr. Jacob Ninan, an experienced counselor in the matter will be conducting the seminar after the Sunday service. You are all welcome to attend. This added the interest in the subject.

I also happen to read the book by John MacArthur, “The Divorce Dilemma,” explaining the stand of the Bible on divorce, including the views and teachings of Jesus and Paul on the matter.

It is surprising to know that the 1^st century Roman society faced as much deep problems with regard to marriage and divorce as we in the modern society. World hasn’t changed after all! Or is it that human beings haven’t changed much in spite of the technological revolutions that we have witnessed in the modern era?

Apart from parental interference, the very fact society has become shrunk and there is opportunity for coming in contact and mingling with people of different regions, different religions and different cultures has been a major stumbling block in happy marriages.

In India, a north Indian working in IT capital Bangalore, meets with a south Indian, they fall in love and marry, without realizing that culture in these two places are different in many respects. When the initial love and euphoria are replaced with the reality of living together, things fall apart. They are not able to adjust. Food, habits, family bonding – all differ.

Unless of course, the young couple have been born and brought up in the upper middle class or affluent family surroundings and values, then things like what you eat and what you wear or how you treat your in-laws, do not really matter much.

These things are almost non-issues for them, for they keep experimenting in all these and delight in the variety available in the various cultures. Parents are generally supportive for they themselves are educated and achieved a fair amount of financial independence. These couples are more bothered about where to go for holidays and how much to splash on parties and so on.

As indicated in my earlier blogs it is the middle class which is trying to break into the ceilings of upper middle class and affluent class that suffers more. Mainly because they are not used to experimenting, but are brought up in one single mode and find it difficult to get away from these influences. It is almost an affront to their cultural values. When you do not bend it breaks. And that is what is happening.

Today the world is a melting pot with an amalgamation of different cultures. With the world having been reduced to a global village, the dominant culture is that of MacDonald and KFCs from the West. Many things are floating in the cultural melee and Indians, especially the upcoming middle class and the upper and affluent classes, ape these without disdain.

Living-in-relationships, dating, sex before marriage, divorce on flimsy grounds, remarriage, single-parenthood, single children, gay and lesbianism, same-sex marriages, pornography and so many such Western cultural values are being adopted by Indians and it is becoming increasingly the norm here also.

So what do we do about it? Is there a norm, a standard which we can follow and stabilize our marriages? Has anyone defined marriage? Ultimately what does it mean to be married? What is marriage? On what foundation should it be built?

What are the rules and regulations with regard to marriage, which are above all cultural differences and cultural influences?

What is the most unifying factor in marriage of two different individuals from two different cultures?

To these we will turn in the next blog.

Catch up with ya later! Does it sound trendy enough?!